Its been a while since I’ve written in my blog. I wish it was because I’ve been feeling great and out living my life which is what I tend to do when I’m feeling well, but I’ve just been lazy at updating here.
It’s been so hard for me again. I’ve had to stop my little part-time job which has all but crushed me. It wasn’t much, but to me, it was everything I’ve worked so hard for and dreamed about for the last decade. Being able to actually hold down a job, even a 15-20 hour a week job. Just being able to do it – it was amazing. I felt human again. But I’ve been slowly, yet steadily, going downhill all last summer and fall. Then by the first of this year, I took a very bad turn for the worse and it has yet to look up for me. I’ve become very depressed and overwhelmed with grief at losing the battle yet again. I’d become comfortable with 80% of the time feeling pretty decent. Yes, I still had bad days, but they came maybe twice a week, an hour here, a half of day there. Tolerable chunks of time that I was able to recover quickly from and get back to doing my thing. Now it’s just painful days upon days. My stomach/abdomen is always in one form of pain or another, and everywhere on my body takes turns throbbing. Today it is my lower back, legs, and feet along with a very queasy stomach and lethargic feeling. Tomorrow who knows what it will be. It’s always a surprise. It’s hard to sleep with the amount of pain I’m in so I find myself sleeping in later and later in the mornings as my nights are spent laying uncomfortably in bed praying for some relief.
If I didn’t have my husband and daughter that need me, I wouldn’t endure another day. My thoughts have become overrun with dreams of suicide once again and what a relief it would be to close my eyes here on earth and open them in heaven. But I would never act on the thoughts. How could I? I’d just transfer my pain onto the ones I love most. That’s not fair to them. I love them far too much to ever cause them such heartache. So, I endure. Day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute, and even second by second. I look at my beautiful daughter and every day of misery seems worth it just to see her grow up and become the amazing person she’s turned into. I’m so proud.
My husband says he wants to make me a space in the house that is cheerful and peaceful and a place that I can escape to when I’m feeling anxious and overwhelmed. Maybe have a potted palm tree or two and other house plants to give the long winters a summery feel. It’s very sweet of him to want to give me a special space to cheer me up. Right now I just usually go to my room but it’s small and cramped and although it’s pretty, it’s a little stifling for me at times.
When I’m having an exceptionally bad day, like I’m having today, I just pray that I’m able to sleep soundly and maybe when I wake up in the morning I’ll feel better. Sometimes that is the case. I’ll be sick and hardly able to eat anything one day and then the next I’ll wake up hungry and able to eat. Sleep definitely has some healing powers. So, that is my prayer for tonight.